Must We Always Forgive?

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Thank you for this opportunity to speak with you today. I have selected as my topic Must We Always Forgive? I believe this issue represents a cutting edge concern in our current social, cultural and political landscape. I know I cannot, in a brief paper, address many of the nuances on this fascinating topic. My hope instead is to raise a few questions for reflection and discussion.

On the one hand, our bookstores are crammed to capacity with self-help manuals that loudly tout forgiveness as the sin qua non of healthy living. They also usually offer detailed and inspirational steps to implement this panacea for all our troubles. On the other hand, our political discourse, on all sides, is marked by coarseness, outrage, suspicion and blame. I am reminded here of the John Wayne quote from True Grit: “Never explain or apologize- both are signs of weakness’. So here we stand at the crossroads of these opposing, if simplistic, formulas. What is the reasonable, concerned and thoughtful person to consider when trying to comprehend what forgiveness is and, equally important, what it is not?

I hope, as I proceed, that I can offer some thoughts, vignettes and experiences that “advance the conversation” as the philosopher Richard Rorty described. Let me begin then with two passages just pages apart in the book The Forgiving Self by Robert Karen.

“What we do in the realm of forgiveness says a great deal about both how we mourn our losses and how well we have separated psychologically from our parents…It speaks to the magnitude of our self- centeredness and the extent to which we organize the world into a simple pattern of good versus bad, as opposed to a more mature ability to tolerate ambiguity and ambivalence. In the capacity to forgive we see our largeness of heart. And, in struggling to forgive what is most difficult for us to forgive, we reveal our courage, imagination, and potential for growth.” (P.9)

These words are appealing to most of us, I suspect, because they describe how we would like to see ourselves. They speak to our inclination to be better than we ordinarily are, to rise to challenges or obstacles.

Yet…four pages later Karen writes:

A totally forgiving posture is neither desirable nor possible. Hatred, revenge, and striving for justice, not to mention the need to protest and to feel we are heard, are as much a part of us as love and the wish to make amends. They need to be attended to. How often do we forgive mistreatment to avoid conflict? Or welcome the renewed warmth of someone who was abusing us, happy to forgo any protest, not to mention hope for better treatment in the future, in exchange for a smile? Is this forgiveness worth having? (p. 14)

Ah, this is the other side isn’t it, at least for many of us? We are in conflict with ourselves as often as we are with others.

I think that through these passages we can begin to grasp some of the complexity and individuality entailed in forgiving. But let me offer some brief vignettes where I would like each of you to ask yourself the question; could I, would I do the same?  In all likelihood you will never be faced with such choices. Still, looking at the far reaches of forgiveness may help clarify our own ability and willingness to forgive.

Nelson Mandela was imprisoned for 27 years in a small, barren cell for political reasons only. Upon becoming President and with ruined eyesight from his years in prison he invited his white jailer to attend his inauguration as his personal guest.

The Dali Lama tells of his anxiety in meeting a Tibetan Monk imprisoned for 17 years by the Chinese. Expecting bitterness or perhaps a broken man he was instead approached by this man because he feared losing compassion for his captors.

Remarkable forgiveness… Can you, can we, if tested, to far lesser mistreatments say, “I forgive” and do so without reservation.

Then there is the evocative and, to me, intellectually arresting type of forgiveness attributed to Tomas Borge the Sandinista fighter. Borge was captured and brutally tortured by the contras. After the war ended he was permitted by the court to pass judgment on his torturer. He responded: “ My punishment is to forgive you.” In my first reading of this story I placed it in the company of Mandela and the Tibetan Monk. Still there was something about the sentence, “My punishment is to forgive you”, and I kept coming back to because it unsettled me.

Why, I wondered, was the sentence begun with “My punishment is…?”  Isn’t it rather the punishment of the torturer, which then might read, “My punishment for you is…?” And do punishment and forgiveness go together? Or reversing the order of words in the sentence do we really have “My forgiveness is your punishment?” From this position “forgiveness” becomes a burden or weight the torturer would never be free from. Perhaps this is what Cynthia Ozick meant by the phrase, “ Forgiveness can brutalize.”

To further explore the complexities and ambiguities of forgiveness we can also consider “The Laramie Project”, a play that focuses on the 1998 murder of Matthew Shepard. You may remember he was savagely beaten and tied to a fencepost and left to die overnight.

In the trial of one of the accused killers, Aaron McKinney, Matthew’s father was allowed to address the court. He said, in part: “I would like nothing better than to see you die, Mr. McKinney; however this is the time to begin the healing process, to show mercy, to someone who refused to show any mercy.” Dennis Shepard then asked the District Attorney not to seek the death penalty in exchange for two consecutive life sentences without the right of appeal or parole. He concluded: “I give you life in the memory of one who no longer lives. May you have a long life, and thank Matthew every day for it.”  Forgiveness?  Well yes, there was a stated plea for mercy and forsaking of revenge. Or was there?

Leigh Fondakowski the head writer of the play and who was in court that day didn’t see it as forgiveness. The defense team was about to bring up embarrassing information about Matthew during the penalty phase and a central component of the deal Dennis suggested required McKinney never tell his side of the story (which included his own abuse and abandonment). Fondakowski believed “… it was clear when Dennis said, ‘May you have a long life and may you thank Matthew ever day for it’; he believed that life in prison might be a more terrible punishment for McKinney than death.”

Perhaps then like Portia, in the Merchant of Venice, Dennis Shepard spoke of mercy while reserving the right to mete out punishment on his own terms. From yet another vantage point we might recall Frommer’s distinction of genuine forgiveness, which entails an internal psychic process of transformation, from acts of forgiveness  - pronouncements in which one merely adopts a forgiving attitude in the absence of real psychic change.

I work with trauma of all kinds from single episode to complex, developmental trauma. I work with betrayals in marriages, the death of a child, chronic illness, violence and abuse. If I may I would like to conclude my talk by reading a piece of “psychic theater” from the Special Edition of my book, Theaters of Trauma that expresses some of my thoughts on forgiveness. I would then like to talk with you about your views and experiences in forgiving so we may learn from each other today.

For many years before I ever met her, Ceely had been on anti-depressant medication.  She now wanted to discontinue the medication and I agreed that it was time to revisit the issue with her psychiatrist.  Ceely, however, made the decision on as her own and following advice on the Internet and from friends with nursing experience, she began to taper off the medication. Then a point came where her anxiety grew, and she agreed to schedule a medication review.  Ceely met with her psychiatrist and a few days later, in our session, I realized it did not go well.

The session began with Ceely saying: “This is what I worried about all along but trusted you.  You led me to believe that what my mother did to me was bad and that I didn’t deserve what had happened to me.  You told me my anger was a healthy response to my mother’s actions.  Now, I find you were wrong.”

I was stunned. What, I wondered, happened to so drastically alter Ceely’s perception of me and our work together? 

I did not have to wait long as she continued: “My psychiatrist told me I was having trouble going off the medication because I still needed it.  He said I would continue to need it until I forgave my mother.  He told me you were wrong and the anger I feel is just another symptom of the depression.”

Upon hearing what was said to Ceely, I admit I was feeling anything but forgiving toward this physician.  I took a few deep breaths to regulate my outrage at the intrusiveness of this man, so I could more effectively address Ceely. 

After a pause, I said: “Forgiveness is a complicated and confusing process.  There are many factors to consider and since the subject has been broached, we would do well to explore them.  Let me say this to begin.  I don’t believe someone can be ordered to forgive, nor do I believe forgiveness is a valid indicator of emotional health.  Since I have told you what I thought before, as you point out, I will again be honest.  The rabbis of old have a saying: ‘Whoever is merciful to the cruel will end up being indifferent to the innocent.’  I believe the conduct of your psychiatrist suggests there is truth in this saying.”

Ceely reacted by asking: “Are you saying that he was indifferent to me?”

I answered simply: “Yes.  He offered you a simplistic self-righteous judgment that undermined confidence in yourself, this process of therapy and me.  You went there for his medical opinion about medication and you were instead greeted with a morality lesson that implied condemnation.”

After a few minutes of silence, Ceely said: “We have a lot to talk about.”

Yes, we did and the talking continues.  In the back and forth, we discovered many lessons together, with so much more still to learn. We came to believe that forgiveness is a decision and is most authentic when it is carefully thought through and recognized as existing along side of conflicting emotions.  Forgiveness is not about forgetting or allowing for abrogation of responsibility for acts of cruelty or violence. Even without her mother’s atonement, Ceely could mitigate her mother’s influence by refusing to condone her behaviors, accept blame for them or continue to reside in the shame that was instilled. Forgiveness is also not about squelching ambiguity, ambivalence, anger, hurt or even the desire for justice.

We recognized it could be necessary, at times, not to forgive if forgiveness means passive surrender for the sake of acceptance or forgiveness in order to avoid conflict at the cost of self-respect or capacity for self-defense.  Anger can provide healthy protection against being victimized. Such anger becomes damaging only if it is frozen as bitterness or resentment that precludes developing a responsive, emotionally fulfilling life.  Someday, Ceely may forgive her mother, with or without her apology, but that is her call to make. The success of such an intimate process as therapy must never hang on only one measure.  

Living with Chronic Pain

Living with chronic pain is draining, disturbing, frightening, debilitating and terribly disruptive. Sometimes the injury or ailment is visible like the results of a severe automobile accident or stroke. Frequently there is no apparent "cause" as the pain results from stenosis, immune disorders or fibromyalgia.

Seen or unseen symptoms are often deceiving. We can see symptoms but we can’t see pain. Oh, we can catch glimpses like a wince or more dramatically a sudden collapse. But we can’t see inside the body to measure, know or really appreciate what the pain feels like to someone else. Does it cut like a dull, rusty knife? Throb like the sounds of a beginning drum student? Does it come and go like some mysterious, sadistic phantom? Or is it like both all of these and none of them at the same time?

Frequently what we have to rely on are the descriptions by the patient/person. Words. Words express what is felt so individually and uniquely. These words can reveal or hide a great deal. They can be a cry for help, relief or for attention. They can exaggerate or minimize the pain or at different times under different circumstances they can do either or both.

With chronic pain all areas of a person’s life can be drastically affected: emotions, physical movement, thinking such as attention and concentration and activities. Sometimes even the capacity to love or believe in a future or in God are compromised or missing. Then there are the financial uncertainties about health care, savings or even the basic ability to earn an income.

What I have come to realize is that chronic pain can also create relationship problems with loved ones be they children, parents, friends or especially spouses/partners. Young children, for example, can miss out on normal activities when a parent is in pain and can’t participate. Children can also become protective and anxious leading them to curtail their lives by staying close to home to the point of not developing friendships or even attending or having problems learning in school.

Friends can express concern and make themselves available but usually only to a point. They move on with their lives and activities, often forgetting about a friend in pain. The person in pain is inadvertently dropped from the circle of friends who are vibrant and active. Life goes on.

Parents of adult children can feel guilty that their son or daughter has such pain and no amount of nurturing or guidance can make it go away. Some often wonder why their children and not themselves are stricken and as a result may become overly involved in an attempt to manage their own guilt and sense of failure.

The most difficult, confusing and disruptive problems, however, most often occur in marital/partner relationships. For the "healthy" one there is often an overwhelming feeling of helplessness, sadness and loss. The nature of the relationship can change as favored activities and plans have to be abandoned and worry about the future can set in with a vengeance: "What will we become?" Patience can run dry and spouses can say hurtful, angry words that deepen the anxiety and despair. Couples may need help in offering a "safety net of love" for each other.

There are very effective medications to relieve pain or at least some of it, there are non-traditional approaches such as acupuncture, yoga and massage that can also be wonderfully helpful and relaxing. To this list I would add psychotherapy where couples can talk honestly and openly about their individual feelings and experiences and where words can begin to heal the pain in the relationship if not the body.

Medication vs. Psychotherapy

For far too long “vs.” has designated a combative stance which has interfered with a useful combination of psychotherapy and medication.

Medication can be a vital aid when prescribed properly especially for severe depression, bi-polar disorders and psychosis. Of course each patient needs to be carefully evaluated but medication can help reduce some of the major symptoms that can be so disruptive.

Often medication can alleviate suicidal thoughts; contain explosive and impulsive acts, calm panic, and regulate extreme mood swings.

Frequently severe problems necessitate the use of medication to assist in making psychotherapy productive. Since self exploration, for example, can and often does generate anxiety some medication on a short term basis may help someone stay with the process of psychotherapy long enough to gain beneficial results.

Medications are not silver bullets and can cause significant problems in therapy. For some people a recommendation to consider medication can leave them feeling hopeless and mentally ill. This reaction requires patience and skill to explore the personal meaning of taking any medication for emotional difficulties. Questions of side effects, family history, ineffectiveness or, on the other side, a belief that problems are beyond them and a pill will make all right with the world, are some of the areas that need discussion.

People can sometimes feel they must choose between psychotherapy and medication. It is unfortunate and ill advised for someone in the medical profession to state that all emotional problems are the result of a biochemical imbalance and that medication is all that is necessary. Some can be so convinced of this position that multiple “high dose meds” are prescribed leaving patients feeling terrified, confused, “not themselves” and “numbed out”.

On the other side some therapists believe all problems are exclusively psychological/emotional and fail to make a timely referral, which could alleviate unnecessary suffering. Someone in the midst of a manic episode or immobilized by severe depression can benefit from all the help they can get, including medication in a number of cases.

When consulting with either a physician or psychotherapist about emotional struggles it is fair and necessary to ask each about their professional experience with and attitudes about medication and psychotherapy. It is also important to look for someone who has a reputation of respecting allied professionals in order to maximize the help you receive.

Finally, by all means question both your therapist and physician if you are unclear why medication has been prescribed and how your therapy might be affected. You deserve the best treatment available.



Tell Me Again, What Does EMDR Mean?

Since my area of specialty is working with trauma of all kinds, I am often asked this question about EMDR because it was originally developed as a method of treating post traumatic stress syndrome.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is considered a mind-body approach that focuses on bi-lateral stimulation, which is a fancy way of saying moving the eyes back and forth by following a light bar or experiencing alternating pulses from hand held sensor pads. The client focuses on a mental image of distress, emotions, beliefs ("positive" and "negative") and body sensations during this process.

As first developed, this approach was considered a stand alone form of brief psychotherapy. Remarkable changes in stress levels, anxiety, and depression were reported in as few as four to eight sessions.

I have been trained in EMDR and use it in my practice in a highly modified form. The standard eight-step protocol used offers little room for therapist/client (or patient) discussion and pays no attention to the crucial necessity of the therapeutic relationship. It can feel like a manual driven and mechanized
approach with proscribed steps and responses and with little creativity or spontaneity encouraged. Some of the focus on separating beliefs into positive or negative can over simplify complex processes of decision making, abstract reasoning and thoughtfulness. Beliefs as positive or negative, black or white leaves no room for F.Scott Fitzgerald's definition of first rate intelligence:

the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and remain capable of functioning.

Since I believe any form of therapy should address the unique individuality of the client/patient, I have sought to humanize this approach. I now use some of the techniques in on-going therapy when there is an impasse or an issue that might be more helpfully explored from a different angle. Used in this way, it can be helpful to offer the opportunity to bring a specific memory to mind, pay attention to what was felt emotionally and physically, and then allow for a drifting into the experience with alternating gentle sounds from a headset. Such modifications are less disruptive, sterile and more personal.

There are other cautions to the standard use of EMDR when used exclusively. Since it can be a powerful tool, it can generate strong and conflicting emotions that need to be attended to with patience and skill. If one is to seek this approach, make sure the therapist is experienced and knowledgeable in handling intense feelings and capable of integrating or making sense of trauma and not just in "opening someone up". Retraumatizing anyone helps no one. Also, EMDR is a validated approach with post traumatic stress. If or when it is presented as a cure all i.e. performance enhancement, developing creativity, ADD and such, look with a skeptical eye. No one approach covers all the emotional landscapes. We are all far more complex and interesting than such a narrow view would suggest.



Mindfulness in a Mindless World

In a world that has gone so far out of control many are seeking some comfort in practices of certainty. Many want to have some stability, tradition and thereby peace of mind.  Not surprisingly the “good old days” are remembered with relish even if they weren’t “so good” at the time.  We, myself included, want some assurance that “all is well.”  Wanting simple, direct, irrefutable answers we can begin to blame others when we feel especially unsettled. Since there are few easy answers there are plenty of people and institutions to blame.  There is, however, a difference between blaming others and holding them accountable for their actions.

If we are to return some sanity to this world we share we must hold ourselves accountable, develop compassion, exert healthy self-control and become more thoughtful in our words and deeds.  Once helpful way of conducting ourselves in the fashion I describe is through “mindfulness.”  Through such a practice we enhance our strength and capacity to face our disappointments, fears and anger.  I am not describing a religious orientation although some may incorporate mindfulness (for example contemplative prayer) in their spiritual beliefs.  I am instead suggesting we learn how to sit quietly in the midst of our many conflicting thoughts and feelings.  Rather than rushing to action on the basis of this or that emotion or conclusion we sit in silence paying attention to how our thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations shift and change.  By noting our breathing and focusing as fully as we are able on the in-breath and the out-breath we can achieve a powerful centeredness and clarity of thought. As the former Catholic priest, Daniel Berrigan used to say, “Don’t just so something, sit there.”

Now, of course if we begin such a practice of mindful breathing we will notice our mind becomes busy and our attention is drawn away from the simple awareness of our breathing.  Since we can expect this as the way our mind works we can simply name it as “thinking” and return to our next out breath.  Such an attitude is about developing a non-judgmental attitude or “unconditional friendliness” with ourselves. 

You, the reader, might be saying at this point that with the troubles so complex, huge and frightening isn’t this practice an avoidance of the responsibility to act in a humane, forceful fashion?  Perhaps, but perhaps too, thoughtful action taken from a place of self knowledge and patience may be even more effective.  At a minimum it is likely our enemies will be fewer.

This is of course a brief introduction to a well researched topic.  The best simple explanation and training in mindfulness can be found in the step-by-step course:  Insight Mediation with Sharon Salzberg and Joseph Goldstein (Sounds True)

Drop me an email and let me know what you discover.